I Have a Theory...

I hate 'People'
There I said it.

I think People Magazine is the worst. I may be the only American to feel that way, but oh well.

I have this theory. I think that Americans lack a 'royalty'. A Royal family and all the paparazzi and reverence for the crown and all that.. 'God save the Queen'. Course we also don't blurt out the phrases: 'Bob's Your Uncle', 'Off Your Trolly' and one of my faves: 'Nowt'.

Instead we have an Oedipus Rex about England and the Mother country... Okay I made that part up.. but I needed something that would make sense for the part where I reveal —THE THEORY (da da da DUM).

I think due to this lack of monarchy we simply make it up as we go along in the form of Movie Stars and... (what IS Paris Hilton anyway(?), plus we can't forget philandering political officials, right? We (I'm speaking collectively for Americans in general— not for ME here) follow the ups and downs of Brangelina and we (not me) addict ourselves to watching the Gosselin marriage disintegrate publicly. Self absorbing into a world of the seemingly glamorous, the glittery dresses, the haute night life. But is it??

Watching sports heroes destroy their lives and fall from their trophy stand, dreaming about how blue Reese Whitherspoon's eyes are up close on a centerfold, or my favorite... just how stupid can the only-semi-famous ones really screw up their lives and the lives of their children? THAT is considered the glamorous life?

Count me out.

I have a friend who happily buys her 'trash' magazines as she calls them every time she flies anywhere. She says it's the perfect escape. Really? Wow. Give me a well written novel any time, I just finished Audrey Niffeneger's 2nd novel. Not as good as her first one, but please let me read a not as good as the first one.... WAY before I'm stuck flipping pages and comparing thighs of blond bomb number 1 with newly fake brunette number 2.

Why am I telling you any of this?

Because this year in my stocking, I found a pristine 'Best Of The Decade', Special Edition: People Magazine.... Wow, Santa.. exactly what I asked for. Smut reading...

Yup, it's a totally hilarious gift from my 'husband-AKA-Santa'.. and at first I figured it was a pretty good gag gift. (I bought him a way too small teeny bopper T-Shirt with Micheal Jackson on it... Heaaay-Haaaaay).

He pressed me—open to the Taylor Lautner page..! The what?? Oh brother... I can make fun of Twilight with the best of 'em! I humored him, I could tell he was enjoying this. When I opened to that page: A slip of paper fell out..

I opened it and realized I was holding a flight itinerary to Washington, DC!

He had used frequent flier miles to purchase me a ticket to visit one of my closest friends who recently adopted a little girl from China! I get to go meet the newest member of their family THIS MONTH...!

And now? ... if you catch me reading the Best of the Decade issue on a flight to Dulles... well...

Don't Judge Me Earl!

No sir, People stories aren't stories about real people, they are tales of a nation choking on its own vomit. -Senior Cranky

photo credit: L S G